Jokes

FREE KITTENS

cb — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 09:50:37 GMT

Little Mary Pat had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give
away,
so she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to
them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up
with a policeman on a motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and
a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. It's President Obama.

'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.

'Kittens' Little Mary Pat says. 'They're so small, their eyes are not even
open yet.'

'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.
'Democrats' says Little Mary Pat.

The tall man smiled,
returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity,
President. Obama called his Press Manager and told him about the little
girl
and the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day,
have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Mary Pat is standing out on the corner with her
box of kittens with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign and the big motorcade of black
cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN
but no FOX for some reason..

Everyone had their cameras ready and
then, President. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary
Pat.

'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all
these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'

'Yes sir,' Mary Pat said, 'They are all REPUBLICAN kittens.'

Taken by surprise, President Obama said, 'But yesterday, you told me that
they were DEMOCRATS.'

Little Mary Pat says, 'Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.'

More Blonde jokes--

cb — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 07:56:17 GMT

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The
blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes
downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says,
"The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I
put the dog in our backyard … let's see how THEY like it!
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Two Blondes With Hammers...Lynn and Judy…were doing some carpenter work on a
Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach
into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or
nail it in. Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my
pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw
them away.” Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails
aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
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Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see

'Closed for the Winter.'
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You might have to think twice about this one. A blonde hurried into the
emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was
trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor.
'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the
blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just
paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor. Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought,
'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself
in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought:
'This is going to make aloud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear
before I pulled the trigger.
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A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have
some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and
all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands
and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she
blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw
her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the
repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all
he dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
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A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver Thermos. She
was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to
ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos...... It keeps hot
things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's
amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to
work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things Cold,'
she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond
replied.....'Two Popsicles and some coffee.'
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AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked
sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this
morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The boss,
feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the
day off to relax and rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to
keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here. The boss
agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and
the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and
sees the blonde crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be
okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call
from my sister. Her mother died, too!

--
------Obomie------
Be-live what He does, not what He says

LITTLE JOHNNY - AGAIN & AGAIN & AGAIN

cb — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 11:59:23 GMT

Little Johnny's at it again.....


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

       *     *      *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

        *     *     *     *     *      *    *     *     *     *     *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

           *       *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

         *     *     *     *     *     *      *     *     *     *       *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

        *    *     *      *     *     *     *     *     *        *    *

If this brightened your day, don't let it st op here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends! They like Johnny too ya know!

And that's when the fight started....

cb — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 12:06:23 GMT

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No." she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "....Then I'd like to phone a friend....."
And that's when the fight started....
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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's when the fight started ..
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap'
That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started.....
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of
Bud Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started....
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A woman was standing nude,looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started.....
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my
high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started...
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started...
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as
I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And that's when the fight started...

how to catch a bear

goldy — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 21:37:13 GMT

Do you know how you catch a bear? first dig a really big hole. Then put ashes in the bottom of the hole. Line the hole with peas. Then when the bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole.

things only southerners know

fredfred321 — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 15:47:44 GMT

Things Only Southerners Understand

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption.

Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

What general direction cattywumpus is.

That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.

When "by and by" is.

How to handle your "pot likker"

The best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of cold potato salad.

The difference between "purt' near" and "a right far piece"

The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody! But nobody!

Obama

kotklegg — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:18:48 GMT

CNN reporting from the front lawn of the White House that the Presidential Limosine is up on blocks waiting on some 22's. I don't care who you are, that's funny!!!

Obama

kotklegg — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 17:14:57 GMT

Everything is going to be OK, Cheney just invited Obama on a hunting trip.

Dumb response

overhill — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 18:32:09 GMT

A woman asked her new husband for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook, which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
Sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

deer roping

cb — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 15:00:18 GMT

I read this and thought of all the deer hunter I know

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not four feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog-tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- three of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it... it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when yous tart pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt in that weight range. I could fight down a cow with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief ten minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand... kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bitten by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse -- strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.